STORY: SHADOWS (EPISODE 4)

By Oyinkansola Ige


Read Episode 1 here


Read Episode 2


Read Episode 3


I didn’t even know where to start. Already, I heard that there was a Bible study Foundation Class. But I didn’t think it was for someone like me…until the next day.

Someone announced my name. As I got downstairs, I saw Lekan….He looked really sad; I only hoped that Sola hadn’t told him anything.

“Lekkie” what s up?

“Remi…how are you?” he asked as he cleaned his face.

“I am fine”. I touched his face and his face lighted up a bit. “You’ve been crying Lekan, what is it?” I asked as I glanced briefly at his parents.

“My parents asked me to come help pick Sola’s things. Apparently, they are sad that my sister is a lesbian…I don’t even know what to do or say…” He continued to sob…I could do nothing but stare at this amazing man cry. I could feel his pain…could I?

I, Tola and Ifenachi helped bring Sola’s things downstairs. Her parents were not even smiling at all. I can imagine…my parents would have beaten the life out of me. When they finished putting allthe luggage in the car, they gave I and my roommates some money to share. I wasn’t particularly excited about it because I sensed Lekan knew that I was a lesbian (that I am a lesbian LOL)

And my fears were confirmed.

As the parents drove off, Lekan walked back towards me and asked me to walk with him to the cafeteria. I decided to, since the only threat that stood between us had been “expelled”. As we walked, I noticed how cold he was all of a sudden.

“Lekan, are you alright?”

He stopped immediately and looked at me. His eyes that used to look so gentle, suddenly resembled flames of fire. He looked into my eyes; I could feel his gaze piercing into the deep parts of my soul.

“Remi, do you love yourself?”

I wondered what he meant, although I hoped that he did not know about my sexual affinities.

“Yes I do”, I replied as I cast my head down.
He brought my head up and looked into my eyes again.



“Remi, I am deeply in love with you”.

I blushed like a baby….I wondered what he saw…in a lesbian like me…

“But if you are not willing to love yourself, what we share will never grow.” He left almost immediately. I knew he began crying again, because his legs were wobbly and he was literally walk-running towards the cafeteria. I stood and watched him go till he became a distant shadow.

And soon, tears began to trickle from my eyes too.

And then, I knew I needed that Bible Class…

“There’s no sin God cannot forgive. His mercies are endless…”

Bla!Bla!Bla! I had heard that a million and one times…and yet, there seemed to be no change in my life.

After the incident with Lekan, I began attending the Word Study meeting. It was awkward, because no one there knew me. Of course, Lekan would check on me once in a while and we would sit together. It was so obvious that he liked me, but I wasn’t too sure of myself.

I surrendered my life to Christ that weekend, and I actually thought things would change. But I still found myself being very horny whenever I saw girls in bikini on magazine covers. I still craved to … give myself pleasure. But this time, I knew I was wrong. I knew I had given my life to Christ….

A Christian isn’t supposed to do this…a Christian isn’t supposed to do that…It felt more or less like Alter-Casting- giving someone a social role and defining them by that. I became tired of obeying all the “rules” of being a Christian.

But I kept on going or Bible Study. Already, I was making friends with “nice” people… People who seemed to love God, and the ones who didn’t, but were searching or how to…like I was.

Anyway, it continued like that till the semester ended. On the departure night, I and Lekan sat together, as usual. As people trooped out of the chapel, he asked me to wait.

“Remi, have you been enjoying your Christian life?”

WHAT! I am so frustrated.

“Oh….yes…Yes I have, glory to God. I have been seeing God in ways I cannot explain”.

Cheap lie. I could have told him I was struggling big time, and I felt so unclean, and that I kept relapsing into the very thing I wanted to be free from. I kept on seeing images of myself making love to someone, images of I and him…I was just in a wrong state of mind.

“That’s good”, Lekan replied as he looked intently at me. He could almost eat me up if I let him. “So, will you keep coming next semester?”

NO! I am tired. No one understands me…not even you. You people have it all figured out, I don’t. Maybe God doesn’t just like me…

“Yes, I’d love to”, I lied again. “It would be nice to keep coming, keep serving God.”

He held my hand again and looked into my eyes, like he knew that I was lying.

“You can always talk to me, Remi. I am always here…”

Always here? If I hear…You are the deputy leader, soon to be leader of the word study group..

“I know”, I replied as I squeezed his hand and looked into his eyes. Honestly all this crap about seeing stars in someone’s eyes…I saw NOTHING. I was only horny….isn’t that what love is? And obviously he was…and he didn’t seem to know that I could see his trousers emerging forward (if you know what I mean) *wink*wink*

Anyway we went home the next day. Biodun came to pick me. I was so excited to see him. I wanted to ask him how medical school was and how he was doing. I noticed he wasn’t as excited as I was, but I didn’t want to push. I would wait till we got home, then I would ask him questions.



As we journeyed home, thoughts began to flood my mind again. I began to wonder….is there really God? Does He really love me? Why do I still struggle with all these sins? Why can’t I just become “pure” like those girls in the word study unit who speak in tongues like it’s their native language? I didn’t deserve Lekan’s love…He wanted me…all of me I hoped… and all I wanted to feel him in me, physically I mean. It was so weird for me.

And the funny part is, I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I only hoped that I wouldn’t burst before I knew I had to let it all out…cos I was dying in silence.

We got home and on entering the sitting room, I was shocked to see a cradle with a baby crying inside. I began to wonder whose baby it was. All of a sudden, a young lady came in. she smiled at Biodun and he smiled back as she went to pick the baby. She sat down and began to breastfeed him. I was trying to understand what was going on…Biodun’s baby? Waoh…

Anyway, I was happy. My brother was a father. Silly assumption but that was the only possibility. I got into my room and began to unpack, and I began to get my questions ready.

How did it happen? When did you find out she was pregnant? Will you still continue to go to school? What is dad saying? What’s the baby’s name? What’s your wife’s name?

Questions, questions and questions…

Dad and Mum got back from church and I jumped on them like a four year old. Dad wasn’t particularly excited to see me, but mum sure hugged me real tight. She asked me how school was and she stroke my hair fondly as usual.

“Oluremi, you are not taking care of yourself. Relax this hair now, its due…”

Mum’s facial expression changed. I looked back and saw the lady with her baby. Mum’s face was filled with tears. She tried to hide it, but I wasn’t so blind was I? I began to wonder why mum was sad…I mean…her son now had a baby. Her grandchild! Anyway, I guessed mum was just so emotional, so I smiled and held her hand. She looked at me lovingly and smiled. The lady went and greeted Dad. Dad’s expression was…plain. No smile, no frown. He stroke the cheek of the baby and went straight into the room. I didn’t understand…

Rice, Chicken and Peppersoup… I just loved being home. I felt honored that mum did all that for me. We all ate. Even if the table was unusually quiet, I was glad to be home and all.

Until something really strange happened….

Episode 5 drops soon


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