By Oyinkansola Ige
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I was in the parlour watching “Keeping up with the Kardashians”. I could kill to have a body like Kim’s. Unlike her, I had a bulging tummy and heavy thighs. Who would find me attractive enough? Lekan’s thoughts came to my mind but I shoved it away.
As I thought on these things (lol), I heard voices. Dad and Mum didn’t argue much, so I wondered who was shouting at who. I decided to go in. The voices were coming from dad and mum’s room alright.
“Gbemi is my wife as much as you are”
Gbemi…who on earth is Gbemi
“That’s not the point”, mum replied as she sniffed. I wanted to just go back but I was curious about the Gbemi part. “You cheated on me with that little girl…do you know how that makes me feel?”
“I said I was sorry”
“It’s too late to be sorry, Lanre. You have another baby. You will have to tell Remi yourself…”
I was shocked to my bones. My legs began too shake, like I wanted to pee or puke at the same time. Tears welled up into my eyes…I became really distraught. The lights of their room went off…I guess the argument was over. Everything began to make sense. Dad’s baby. I had a new sibling?
I had found the answers to the unusual silences in the house…
It was going to be a dramatic holiday…
I lay down that night and looked at the ceiling. I wish I could just have a different life…..free of drama. I could imagine how hurt mum was…Gbemi was your ideal…tall, slim, hot babe…and mum had so many folds on her tummy…and stretch marks too… I just didn’t understand anymore. Dad and mum were fervent church goers….and yet; dad couldn’t keep his “little nice guy” together. I was so sad. I cried…until I slept off…hoping Saturday would bring a better situation.
I just hoped God was seeing all these…I really hoped.
But the holidays didn’t go as I expected.
The tension all over the house was real. I could sense it everywhere. Dad seemed too scared to tell me (He didn’t have an idea that I already knew). Mum was too sad to even sit me down and ask what was going on in my life (I could have made do with some man advice here and there). Brother Biodun was just so…recluse. I wonder why. Was he as sad as I was or was there something more?And Gbemi…Gbemi just distanced herself from me and gave me distance smiles. Oh…I hated her for the pain she brought to my family. How could she? Why did she? She knew he was a married man, and yet… she allowed him…Oh Gosh…
And here I was…struggling with my own dark side. Everything around me was crumbling (so I thought), and my life was just a death away. It felt like I was a moving corpse. Wake up. Bath. Eat. Chat on BBM. Eat. Read a novel. Watch TV. Gossip with the girls. Eat. Clean my room. Pray…sometimes. Sleep. Wake Up. Robotic stuff.
“What are you going to do now?”, Lekan asked me, as we spoke over the phone later that day.
“I don’t know oh”, I replied as my voice shook. I was so petrified. I needed a real shoulder to cry on, and it seemed like no one was there. Or rather, there was a knowing in my gut that God was listening but I chose not to believe. I just… chose not to believe.
“Remilekun…”, he called. Whenever he called my full name, I knew he was going to say something mushy. So my ears were ready to hear mushy stuff already. “I wish I was there with you..”
*faints*!
“Do you really mean that?” I asked with the curiosity of a child. I mean these days words could be used inappropriately. For instance, someone could say “I Love you”, when she really means “I need you to help me do the dishes”, and a guy could say “I love you” when he means “this your figure makes me go ga-ga”. Sometimes, one just has to be sure.
Like I wanted to be sure…
“Yes I do”, Lekan replied as I heard him breathing like a child. I could almost feel his heartbeat. At that point, I wish he were with me.
“Can’t we meet up somewhere?” I asked without thinking of the implications of what I said. All these brothers in the Lord, one cannot easily predict them. Neither can they be trusted. No one can be trusted. I knew that too well.
“Yes, we can”, Lekan replied. He sounded excited. I wasn’t excited. I was horny. And it takes God’s grace to tell the difference between your heart and your body…God’s grace…which I didn’t think I had.
We decided there and then to meet at the Ikeja City Mall. At least, being with him would distract me a little, and make me forget all the wahala at home. I began to make preparations almost immediately for a date that was due the next Saturday. I liked Lekan like that
I was lying on my bed that night, when mum came in abruptly. There were tears in her eyes. She locked the door behind her and came to hug me. I was so confused…I didn’t know whether to hug her back or to pat her back. Anyway I hugged her and she cried and cried like a baby.
After she finished crying and all, she looked at me intently.
“Remi”, I am at fault as much as your father is…”
“Mum”, I whispered as I held her close. “Don’t blame yourself”.
“Remilekun, marriage is a journey. Don’t rush in…you’ll go through it whichever ways”, she said as she sniffed and catarrh came out from her nose. I gave her my pink handkerchief, and I watched her clean her nose.
“I had always known your dad was having an affair…”, mum said.
“You did?” , I asked with so much shock .
“Yes”, she replied. “I was going to see your dad in his house while we were still dating. One day, I went as usual.” She stopped and looked at me intently again. I knew something was wrong.
“I got into the house”, mum continued, “and I heard sounds from the bathroom”. Her eyes were red again, but I decided not to say anything or hug her. I wanted her to finish her story.
“I was shocked. I…I knew he was going to cheat anyway…all men cheat somehow …”
She continued to sniff. Although I didn’t believe that all men cheat, I chose not to argue with her. Some things are better left unsaid.
“I entered the bathroom…and I saw your dad with another person…”
I told her to stop immediately. I begged her to stop immediately. We both began to cry again.
“Mum”, I called.” Why did you stay?” I asked. “You could have broken up with his sorry ass mum… you deserve a man who will make you happy”
“Remilekun, that’s the thing. I relied so much on him making me happy, that when he made me sad, I had to make sure he made me happy again” Now I see…it is only God who makes happy…”
She got up almost immediately. “Remi, if there is anything you ever want to talk about, I am always here, okay?”
She kissed my forehead and left the room almost immediately.
I lay down on my bed… And I wanted to pray but…the words didn’t just come out.
So I slept.
I was in a tunnel. A deep one. It smelt filthy and full of so much yucky stuff. I was itchy all over and my whole body craved for a bath. I was irritated at myself. I could almost kill myself. A man in a black suit came and looked at me from above. “Remi, Remi. You are nothing but a cheap slut…and this tunnel, this right here, is where people like you belong”. He threw stones at me and I began to cry and wail. I began to shout Lekan’s name immediately. I screamed and screamed and screamed until someone like him surfaced. “Remi, why are you shouting my name?” he asked. “Come and save me”, I replied. He looked at me and began to laugh. As he laughed, he transformed into a figure…half man, half horse. And then he was holding a stick. “I am not here to save you, I am here to take away your faith…everything that makes you breathe”. All of a sudden, I began to feel dizzy, like someone was sucking out my very life. I fainted in the tunnel…and…”
I woke up from sleep. It was just 3am. The dream felt so real. I was sweating all over. Coincidentally as I looked at myself with my heart beating fast, I got a message from lekan.
“Love grows with time, Remilekun. And with you, I am willing to take all the time in the world. I am willing to waste my life for you. I love you and I cannot wait to see you. Love, Leks”.
I dropped my phone and I began to cry like a puppy. I felt lost. Confused and blind. I knew the dream was trying to say something, but I wasn’t sure. And I didn’t know what to do.
“I am here”
It came like a flashing voice. Tiny…but I knew a voice when I heard one. And that voice was real.
Since I couldn’t sleep again, I decided to play around with my laptop. I had been hearing gist about a young girl, Jamie Grace who God was using in the gospel ministry. I decided to try out one of her songs. You should try it to. I clicked on it. “COME TO ME”….
“Come to me with your weary….I’ll give you hope when you’re hurting…Rest from your burden”
I knew that had to be me. I needed a place to lay my head and cry. I needed to stop thinking about porn. I needed to stop wanting sex so bad. I needed to stop hating and cursing and blaming. I needed..
“You need me”.
That night I knelt down, and all I could do was cry.
Fortunately, crying was all I needed to do, because after that, I fell asleep.
And the sleep was peaceful. Very peaceful…
Thank goodness.
It was the date day.
I was so excited. I hadn’t prayed about it because I didn’t think it was a necessity to pray, I mean… it’s a relationship, not marriage.
That’s true, I didn’t even gist you… Gbemi came to my room last night, like she wanted to talk. I honestly did not feel like talking to her, honestly I did not. But mum said it would be nice if I started talking to her and bla! Bla!
“Hi…” she said, as she carried Baby Jomo. He was the cutest baby ever, I smiled at him and then I forced a smile at her.
She sat down almost immediately, even without me asking her to.
“I came to talk to you, Remi…” she said as she looked intently into my eyes. I was getting distracted already, because I really wanted to sleep before my big date. But she was my step mum and I couldn’t afford to disrespect her, so…
“Okay”,. I replied, as I smiled. For some strange reason, I didn’t exactly hate her like I said I did earlier. I was not just happy with the situation. I just wish…. If wishes were horses…
“I am not a bad woman, Remi”, she said as tears began to stream from her eyes. “ Things are not as they seem”, she said, as she wiped the tears off her face. I collected Jomo from her as she was weeping, and I patted her shoulder.
“Why my dad?” I asked, like she was some witch from the skies, LOOL.
“It wasn’t supposed to be so, Remi”, she replied as she looked at me again. I felt this sharp… sharp pain in my chest. I felt like there was more to this than dad and mum presented it, I just wasn’t too sure.
“You can talk to me anytime,” I replied and smiled at her. I held her hand like she was my own sister. I asked her about her family. It was then I found out that she was an orphan. I felt really sad for her. I don’t know what my life would be like if I lost my own parents. We chatted for a while, and I told her about my big date.
“Is he cute?” she asked.
I was about to open my laptop to show her his picture when we began to perceive some terrible smell. I looked down and realized that Jomo had pooed on me. He was laughing now, and I began to laugh. Gbemi seemed uneasy at first, but when she saw I was laughing, she began to laugh too. She carried him almost immediately and stood up abruptly.
“I must go now”, she said as she smiled at me. “Thanks so much for accepting me as you friend”.
I smiled back at her, genuinely as I could. “You are welcome”.
Anyway, the big date came and I was so excited. Gbemi helped me to style my hair and she helped me select what cloth to wear. I was going to wear jeans at first, but she picked a pink flowery gown with some black flats.
“Have fun okay?”
“Yes”, I replied. “I will sweetheart.”
“When will you be back?” Gbemi asked. She really looked concerned, but I was too excited to ask.
“By evening na, it’s just to hang with him and come back dear. Besides, he’s a really nice guy”.
I got to ICM and sat at the KFC side. I was hoping he would see me, and I didn’t want to call him that I was already here. Fortunately, he walked into the KFC restaurant. What a coincidence. This was definitely meant to be.
We saw and immediately, I saw how bright his eyes became. I was so excited, my heart was in my throat and I could feel goose bumps all over my body. We hugged each other immediately, and strangley, I was actually excited to see me. After ordering for some chicken and ice cream, we sat down and began to say sweet nothings to each other.
“Remi, I am in love with you”, he said, as he held my hand and played with my thumb. I smiled like a baby, and looked into his eyes intently.
“Same here Lekan”, I replied. Even if I didn’t have a clue of what love meant but I was willing to give it a try. I only hoped that by being in a relationship, my lesbianism tendencies would reduce. I would be able to have sex normally, and all…like normal girls do.
“Let’s do this babe. Let us go on with life together. I want us to be together, you know…”
I put my finger on his lips and smiled again. “I am all yours, Lekan”.
It felt like a new flower just broke out of its bud. I was happy. In a relationship. I knew being with him would help me with my sexual orientation. I wasn’t sure of if he was sexually active, but I was sure that I wanted him for myself. We went into the cinemas and watched “30 days in Atlanta”. It was a funny movie. At the end, where the four characters were walking into the airport to board the plane, he looked at me and smiled.
“We will hold hands like this forever, Remilekun”.
So….I was in a relationship. Apart from the feeling of being wanted by someone, I felt a deep fear too. What ifs began to cross my mind. I became scared all of a sudden. What if I am wrong? What if I made the wrong decision? What if he’s not mine? What if he leaves? I still didn’t feel the need to pray about it…. I was going to have to handle it myself…
That night, I imagined him in bed with me and I began to masturbate…again. This time, I cried as I did because I knew it was wrong… but I found it so hard to stop. As I cried, I opened my laptop and decided to just watch porn again…just to get thoughts of God off my mind. As I watched it, I still felt so much guilt as I felt pleasure too.
It wasn’t as easy as I thought…. And the burden seemed weighty and heavy to bear. And I couldn’t talk about it because I didn’t want to be judged by anyone.
The next morning, dad came to check up on me. He had been avoiding me for a while,I guess he felt guilty and all…He walked in as I woke up and sat on my bed. I sat up immediately and looked at him, wondering what he wanted.
“Remi, I know you are angry with me”, he said softly.
“Yes, daddy, I am. You hurt mum and I”
“It was a mistake…”
“It’s okay, dad”, I cut in. “I am not upset anymore”, I said as I smiled. I smiled because thoughts of Lekan waltzed through my mind. All I could do was think of him…Holding me and doing all that *chuckles*. Dad and I hugged immediately and he gave me some money and asked me to do anything I wanted to do with it. Of course… I would go on dates with Lekan J
I and Lekan saw every other day. We would meet up at his place most of the time. Luckily, Shola was hardly around. I wondered what would happen if she found out, but I was going to enjoy the moments with him. We would watch movies and cuddle on the sofa. We would look into each other’s’ eyes and laugh. I would have loved to kiss him, but I wanted him to kiss me first, LOOL…so I didn’t push it in any way.
However, he did something that made me super scared.
We were eating suya with a bottle of red wine one evening like that. I looked into his eyes and well…
“Why don’t you want to kiss me?” I asked intently.
He looked at me and smiled, and I wondered what was so funny.
“Remi, I do not want to kiss or touch anyone until I am married”, he said. We continued eating, and I knew he wanted to ask me a question. I simply waited for him to ask.
“Are you a virgin?” He asked me as he looked into my eyes, again.
And I wanted to faint…because I was nothing close to being chaste. Even if I may have never had sex with a guy, I wasn’t his ideal “babe”….and that was my ish….
And then…my past came calling…as Shola walked in on two of us…
My legs began to wobble under me. For the life of me, I didn’t think that Shola would be around. Lekan said she travelled over the weekend.
For the first time in my life, I knew I was in deep shit, because I didn’t think Shola had forgiven me for breaking up with her and for leaving her even when she was expelled.
“I can’t believe this”, she began, as her eyes were turning blood shot red. “What the flip is going on here brother Lekan?” She asked as she looked at him, she so totally ignored me. I felt like I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I wish I had told Lekan the truth. I wish I were open about my struggles. Now Shola would paint me bad and he would probably not want to see me again.
“Nothing, Shola”, Lekan replied. “Remi came to visit me…is there a problem with that?”
Shola looked at me and the look in her eyes said one thing.
Revenge!
“Remi, I warned you to leave my brother alone, didn’t I? You slut. You don’t seem to get it do you? My brother is not interested in your kind…”
“Shut up Shola. Don’t talk to her like that”, Lekan shouted as he got up. His hands were shaking now. I had never seen him that way in my entire life. He looked so… mad…and I was so petrified. I only prayed for a means of escape.
Lord Jesus, if I needed You anytime, it’s now.
As they continued to argue, my mind began to race back to times when I had masturbated, where I had been consumed in my own lusts. I began to shed tears little by little. I wanted to be set free. Deep inside I wish it didn’t have to be this way…I wish I could…I could just live my life in peace. I felt like I was in a cage, and all self-efforts made to get out proved futile.
Turn to Him and you will be saved….
“Are you deaf?”
I looked up and saw Lekan looking at me. He looked… puzzled. I was so unaware of what was going on, I wondered what Shola had told him.
“Ask her”, Shola said in anger. “This one, nothing good can ever come out of her. Pervert oshi!”
She hissed immediately and went into her room. I and Lekan stared at each other for a while. He was trying to process whatever it was that Shola told him… I was ready to tell him the truth. I didn’t need him thinking I was hiding anything from him.
“Remi…is it true?” He asked as his hands shook. His eyes were red now…I wasn’t sure if it was from tears unshed or from the anger he felt in his heart towards me. “Are you a lesbian?”
Episode 6 drops soon
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